Use American dialect, brief room descriptions, and the serial comma.
Rule for printing the banner text: do nothing
Include Basic Screen Effects by Emily Short
When play begins:
now the right hand status line is "Morning";
say "You lie in a bright green field of well kept grass. Bees hum past your ears and the smell of manure is on the breeze. Gazing at the clouds above, they begin to part. A giant hand emerges from the sky, connected to an impossibly long arm. The hand smothers the sky as it moves impossibly fast towards you. All we can do is stare.[paragraph break]You wake up in your bed. Naked.";
[Rules]
Talking to is an action applying to one visible thing. Understand "talk to [someone]" or “converse with [someone]” as talking to.
Check talking to: say "[The noun] doesn't reply."
Puke is a thing. The description is "Green and acidic, if we could clean it up that would be nice. But this game isn't long enough for that."
After rubbing House Key:
say "Feeling the key against your thumb, you start to feel dizzy. You blink and wake up in your living room.";
now player is in LR;
[Michael Cera]
MM is a man. The description is "Using your $5 as a blanket, he's napping in the fold of your wallet. Equipped with an authentic Hawaiian shirt and khaki pants, he does everything full sized Michael does." The printed name of MM is "Mini-Michael Cera". Understand "Michael", "yelp", "strange sound", "Cera", "Mini-Michael" and "Mini-Michael Cera" as MM.
House Key is a thing. The description is "It has a green tag with our address on it. 127 Bollares Drive.[paragraph break]We just have to rub it to go to our living room."
Instead of talking to MM:
say "Mini-Michael Cera yawns and stretches as you wake him up.[paragraph break]'Uhh hey dude. I didn't think you had a cup big enough for me, but that thimble of lighter fluid really fucked me up.'";
Instead of asking MM about "last night":
say "I barely remember it, but my birth was beautiful. I think";
Instead of asking MM about "Henry":
say "How even old is he? That object mimic power is, like, so creepy.";
Instead of asking MM about "Milk":
say "He gulps. 'Nothing good, but you gotta do what you gotta do.' He says";
Instead of asking MM about "Cow":
say "Ha Ha. Makes me hungry for a burger. You know what I mean? Like cause cows are made of beef.";
Instead of asking MM about "Raw Regent":
say "We can either do what he says, or kill him. He's just glass and proteins afterall.";
Instead of asking MM about "[solution]":
say "I don't know about that. I do remember you having to pee, so you ate the money in your wallet.";
After eating $5:
say "Michael Cera laughs[paragraph break]I can't believe you did that dude! But seriously here's the house key.[paragraph break]Mini-Michael Cera rolls over and tosses a house key at you";
now player carries House Key;
Instead of asking MM about "street":
say "'Do you hear that?' Mini-Michael Cera questions."
[Cousin Henry]
Henry is a man. The description is "Our short and whiny cousin, it sucks mom made us hang out with him yesterday. It's weird how he likes to sleep in our room. He's always shifting into an ordinary object and creeping on people, and he's a narc."
Instead of talking to Henry:
if Player is not wearing Pants:
instead say "He groans and avoids eye contact with you. 'If we weren't related, I'd call the cops. Put on some clothes.'";
else:
say "He wipes the puke from his mouth and gets a little too close.[paragraph break]'Not cool dude' Henry spits at you.[paragraph break]
'I said I was sorry' You mutter.[paragraph break]
'You did no such thing! You could at least offer me a breath mint or napkin or something' Henry complains.";
if Player is in KRoom:
instead say "'Hello cousin. Now if you ever want to see your precious booze card again you'll have to drink this whole glass of milk. We both know what this entails.' Henry says with a grin, still laying on the floor.";
if Player is in Street:
instead say "You look at Henry after the black hole disperses. You can still hear the scream of the King ringing in your head.[paragraph break]'Thanks, Henry. I appreciate the help-' In the middle of your thanks, Henry snaps his fingers again, but this time towards you.[paragraph break]Without getting another word in, you feel your soul leave your body...";
Instead of giving Breath mint to Henry:
now Fake ID is nowhere;
now Henry is nowhere;
say "As you open your wallet to give Henry a breath mint, your Fake ID slips out.[paragraph break]Henry lunges and grabs it before you can even think.'A fake ID! Cousin, this is not okay.' He tosses the ID in the air and you immediately lose track of it.[paragraph break]
'I can't believe you've done this! Where the hell did you put it?' You exclaim[paragraph break].
'Where the HELL did I put it, cousin? I think you just answered your own question' Henry replies with a smirk[paragraph break]
'Man, you suck. You always send my stuff to hell.' You groan.[paragraph break]
With a shit eating grin Henry leaps in the air. His entire body seemingly collapses on itself as he teleports away. At least we get to keep the breath mint";
Instead of asking Henry about "milk":
say "Oh wouldn't you like to know.";
[Your Room]
FloorItem is a kind of container.
YRoom is a room. The description is "Our room is a mess, you got way too drunk last night and trashed the damn place. Good thing our protective shielding is still in tact. Our only clean pair of pants seem to have been shoved underneath our bed.[paragraph break]I wish we hadn't hidden the door, it always makes these things harder." The printed name of YRoom is "Your Room". Understand "My Room" as YRoom.
YWalls are scenery in YRoom. The description is "Tinfoil, condom wrappers, carpet samples, and aluminum shavings are all fastened to the walls with industrial grade creepy glue. The door may be gone, but we can get out in other ways." Understand "wall", "shielding", "shield" or "protective shielding" as YWalls. The printed name of YWalls is "Walls"
YCeiling is scenery in YRoom. The description is "The ceiling is also covered in our protective shielding, it's peeling a little more than usual. The ceiling isn't the issue, we need to make sure the walls aren't insecure." Understand "Roof" and "Ceiling" as YCeiling. The printed name of YCeiling is "Ceiling".
YNightstand is a supporter in YRoom. The description is "Flimsy but I trust it with my life." The printed name of YNightstand is "Nightstand". Understand "Nightstand" as YNightstand.
YSpilled Glass is on YNightstand. The description is "An empty glass that was tipped over, but there's no spill anywhere. [paragraph break]Why did you bring an empty glass into your room?" The printed name of YSpilled Glass is "Spilled Glass". Understand "Glass" and "Spilled Glass" as YSpilled Glass.
YRug is a supporter in YRoom. The description is "Oddly clean for our room. Good job you!" The printed name of YRug is "Rug". Understand "Rug" as YRug.
Instead of touching YRug:
if Player is in YRoom:
instead say "It's soft but greasy";
if Player is in KRoom:
say "Why is it so greasy?[paragraph break]The rug bubbles and boils into our cousin giggling to himself on the floor.";
now Henry is in KRoom;
now YRug is nowhere;
Yellow Cardboard is a FloorItem in YRoom. The description is "It's the container for magic growing celebrities. Grow amazing celebrities! Featuring Dane Cook, Pauley Shore, Michael Cera and Many More! They're very smart and very eager to help, just ask them about anything and they'll have an intelligent response. [paragraph break]We made a good decision." Understand "Cardboard" as yellow cardboard.
[bed conditionals]
Player is on YBed.
Instead of taking Yellow Cardboard:
if Player is on ybed:
instead say "You know you can't reach that from in bed";
else:
now Player carries Yellow Cardboard;
Instead of taking Pants:
if Player is on ybed:
instead say "We can't reach that from in bed. We'll have to get off.";
else:
now Player carries Pants;
now puke is in YRoom;
now YRug is in KRoom;
now the description of YRug is "It's familiar... really familiar... Let's touch it to make sure.";
now Henry is in YRoom;
say "The rug under your feet grows and bubbles. You look down just in time for your cousin to throw you off of his stomach and puke on your floor.[paragraph break]'What the hell dude! You were on my stomach for like 10 minutes. You know I like to sleep as a rug!' Henry exclaims";
Instead of examining under bed:
if Player is on ybed:
say "We'll have to get on the floor to do this";
else:
say "Under your bed you can see an Empty Bottle of Lighter Fluid and your Pants."
YBed is a scenery supporter in YRoom. The description is "It's big and messy, very comfortable. You can see your pants sticking out from underneath the frame." The printed name of ybed is "your bed". Understand "bed" and "your bed" as YBed.
An under bed is a container. Under bed is part of ybed. The printed name of under bed is "Storage space under your bed". Understand "under your bed" and "below bed" as under bed.
Empty Bottle of Lighter Fluid is in under bed. The description is "Last night's libations, I wish we could buy real liquor. [paragraph break]Oh wait!"
Report Player getting off Bed:
now Under bed is open;
say "You slide your legs off the side of the bed and hastily throw yourself onto the ground. Avoiding all the random bits of trash, your heels dig into the floor rug.[paragraph break]Strange. This is new.";
[pants]
Pants is a wearable FloorItem. Pants are in Under Bed. The description is "Tight demin pants, should be some good underwear in there too."
Wallet is a container. Wallet is in Pants. The description is "A redish brown leather bill fold."
MM is in Wallet.
Fake ID is in Wallet. The description is "Our one-way-ticket to BOOZETOWN"
Real ID is in Wallet. The description is "Remember to give this one to a cop."
$5 is in Wallet. $5 is edible. The description is "Our last $5."
Breath mint is in Wallet. Breath mint is edible. The description is "A red and white peppermint that. Ladies, watch out."
Instead of eating Breath mint:
say "You brushed your teeth last night, you don't need to waste this.";
Solution is scenery in YRoom. Understand "door", "clues", "alcohol", "help", and "a way out" as Solution.
Instead of examining Solution:
say "I can't see that and neither can you.";
[Living Room]
LR is a room. The description of LR is "A dusty and central room for the house. It's so boring in here. I hate it.[paragraph break]We can enter the kitchen from here." The printed name of LR is "Living Room". Understand "Living Room" as LR.
Couch is a supporter in LR. The description is "Cracked leather. It's uncomfortable to even look at."
Recliner is a supporter in LR. The description is "Rusty joints with no lumbar support."
[Kitchen]
KRoom is a room. KRoom is east of LR. The description is "Through a tall doorway, we step onto the blue linoleum floor. The grey countertop is full of clutter. The fridge door is sitting open.";
Fridge is scenery in KRoom. Fridge is an open container. The description is "Full of alphabet magnets arranged into curse words, it's a miracle this old thing works."
Glass of Milk is in KRoom. Glass of Milk is edible. The description is "An abnormally tall glass of 2% Milk. Do you even know what will happen if we drink that?" The printed name of Glass of Milk is "Tall Glass of Milk". Understand "Milk" and "Glass" as Glass of Milk.
Instead of drinking Glass of Milk:
clear the screen;
say "You chug the glass in one go.";
now Player is in Milk Dimension;
now the right hand status line is "1-2%";
now Player is on Lake;
[Milk Dimension]
Raw Regent is a man. The description is "A giant glass of milk with an even bigger crown. It has a robe and a very kingly staff. This is most definitly the deity we need to talk to. I have no idea how it even talks." Understand "King Milk", "Giant Glass of Milk" or "Glass of Milk" as Raw Regent.
Milk Dimension is a room. The description is "You stand in a shallow lake of milk that stretches on forever. A cow, dawned in a crown and robe, awkwardly sits in a throne."
Throne is a scenery supporter in Milk Dimension. The description is "Made of dark wood, red velvet and gold. This is the only thing we can even see."
Lake is a scenery supporter in Milk Dimension. The description of Lake is "An endless pond of creamy white. I wonder what it tastes like.". Liquid is an open container. Liquid is a part of Lake. Liquid contains MilkSub. MilkSub is edible. Understand "Milk" as MilkSub. The printed name of MilkSub is "Lake Lactose"
Utter is scenery in Milk Dimension. The description is "It's bright pink mandibles are staring at us."
Instead of drinking MilkSub:
say "You bend down and make a cup with your hands, scooping the milk into your mouth.[paragraph break]It's milk alright.";
[Cow]
Cow is a man in Milk Dimension. The description is "A black and white dairy cow stares off into space. The crown and robe it's wearing are decadant to say the least. I guess this is the deity of this dimension, go ahead and pay tribute. It's rude if we don't even try."
Instead of talking to Cow:
if Raw Regent is not in Milk Dimension:
now Raw Regent is in Milk Dimension;
say "The cow raises it's head and moos deeply into the air.[paragraph break]You hear the sound of glass gliding against the lake of milk. Turning around you see a giant glass of milk in a crown rapidly approaching.[paragraph break]
'How dare you speak to our king! Our father! Our pre-pasturized creator!' The giant glass of milk proclaims[paragraph break]
'You must suckle the utter of convenience to atone' He points his staff towards the cow utters.";
if Raw Regent is in Milk Dimension:
say "[one of]The cow stares blankly at you.[or]The cow moos in disapproval[or]The cow sneezes[or]The crown slips off the cow's head[or]The cow farts[stopping]";
Suckling is an action applying to one thing. Understand "suckle [something]", or "suck [something]" as Suckling.
Utter of Convienence is a thing. The description is "it smells"
Instead of suckling Utter:
now player carries Utter;
now player is in Street;
clear the screen;
say "Milk slowly fills your mouth, throat and nose.[paragraph break]You're in the street now."
[Outside + Add to counter]
Street is a room. The description is "You find yourself on the street in front of your house. It looks fairly normal, however upon further inspection you notice that all the houses in the neighborhood are backwards - almost like they're mirrored. Even the stop sign is backwards.[paragraph break]'Hey! I know what to do!' Mini-Michael Cera shouts from your pocket."
Neighborhood is scenery in Street. The description is "You don't remember the houses looking backwards like that." Understand "houses" and "house" as Neighborhood.
Stop Sign is scenery in Street. The description is "potS". Understand "sign" as Stop Sign.
Instead of listening:
say "You listen to the sounds echoing through the air. A series of glass footsteps.[paragraph break]All of a sudden, a strange man appears.";
now King of the Streets is in Street.
King of the Streets is a man. The description is "A man with two left arms. Huh. Seems strange. You feel uneasy looking at him, as does Mini-Michael Cera." Understand "King" and "Man" as King of the Streets.
Instead of talking to King of the Streets:
say "'I AM KING OF THE STREETS' The being's voice booms towards you. Mini-Michael Cera lets out a yelp and hides in your pocket.[paragraph break]'Who are you?' You ask.[paragraph break]'Did you-' He looks around confused. 'Did you not hear what I just said? I AM KING OF THE STREETS!' He shouts again.[paragraph break]'Well, yes I did. But, who are you really?' You ask, fairly dumb-founded by the way he speaks.[paragraph break]'Enough of this! We are going to fight! I am here to conquer the right-handed world and make everything LEFT-HANDED!'[paragraph break]He positions himself in a fighting stance when suddenly, Henry appears.";
now Henry is in Street.
Instead of attacking King of the Streets:
say "You look at Henry then back at the King who still stares at you with anger. Suddenly, he charges at you. Mini-Michael Cera lets out a loud screech which startles the King despite still charging.[paragraph break]Henry quickly steps in and snaps his fingers. The King disappears into a monstrous black hole. You're sucked in too.";
now King of the Streets is nowhere;
now Player is in Hell;
[Hell]
Hell is a room. "Fire and brimstone."
Channel 324 is a room. "A dimly lit cavern. As you look around you notice there are bones surrounding you. A large ogre-ish beast springs forth from the darkness. This is going to be rough for you."
Channel 679 is a room. "You are in a cozy kitchen. A pot sits on the stove. A knife and cutting board are on the counter. Shelves stocked with jars of spices line the walls. Nearby, there is a pitcher of water and a potato."
Channel 146 is a room. "You walk through a front door as the sounds of disembodied clapping and 'woos' fill the air. You enter what seems to be a rather generic living room. Sofa in the center of the room, a recliner slightly off to the side, and shelves of family photos that you are in line the walls. On the couch you see a little girl that seems oddly familiar to you sit sadly."
Barphomet is a man in Hell.
Instead of talking to Barphomet:
say "ewwww poopy human go to TV.";
now the player is in channel 679;
now the player carries the recipe book.
The Warehouse is a room.
[Combat System]
A person has a number called defense-value. The defense-value of a person is usually 5.
The player has a number called health. The health of the player is 100.
The player carries a weapon. The weapon has a number called damage-value. The damage-value of the weapon is usually 10.
A person has a number called health. The health of a person is usually 100.
Attacking someone with is an action applying to one visible thing and one carried thing.
Understand "attack [someone] with [something]" as attacking someone with.
Checking health is an action applying to nothing.
Understand "check health" or "health" as checking health.
Carry out checking health:
say "You have [health of the player] health remaining.";
Carry out attacking someone with:
if the noun is not a person:
say "You can't attack that!";
otherwise:
let target be the noun;
let attack-roll be a random number from 1 to 10;
say "You roll [attack-roll] to hit [target].";
if attack-roll > the defense-value of the target:
say "Hit! You deal [damage-value of the second noun] damage.";
decrease the health of the target by the damage-value of the second noun;
if the health of the target is 0 or the health of the target is less than 0:
say "[The target] has been defeated!";
remove the target from play;
otherwise:
say "[The target] dodges your attack!";
[Cooking Show Code]
The pot is a container in Channel 679. The pot can be completely empty or full. The pot is completely empty. The pot can be carried.
The knife is a thing in Channel 679. The description of the knife is "A sharp kitchen knife, perfect for dicing potatoes."
The cutting board is a supporter in Channel 679. The description of the cutting board is "A wooden cutting board, clean and ready for use."
The potato is a thing in Channel 679. The potato can be whole or diced. The potato is whole. The description of the potato is "A plump potato, ready to be diced."
The pitcher of water is a container in Channel 679. The description of the pitcher of water is "A clear pitcher filled with fresh water."
The cabinet is a closed openable container in Channel 679. The cabinet is unlocked.
Stove is a thing in Channel 679. The stove can be switched on. The description of the stove is "ooo hot."
The jar of salt is a thing. It is in the cabinet.
The jar of pepper is a thing. It is in the cabinet.
The recipe book is a thing in The Warehouse. The description of the recipe book is "The recipe reads: 'To make potato soup: (1) Dice the potato. (2) Add the potato and water to the pot. (3) Season with salt and pepper. (4) Stir. (5) Heat the soup.'"
The soup is a thing in the warehouse.
To decide whether all ingredients are in the pot:
if the diced potato is part of the pot and the pitcher of water is part of the pot and the jar of salt is part of the pot and the jar of pepper is part of the pot:
decide yes;
decide no.
Instead of examining the pot:
if the soup is part of the pot:
say "The pot contains a bubbling pot of potato soup.";
otherwise if the pot is full:
say "The pot is filled with ingredients, make sure to have them all before cooking.";
otherwise:
say "The pot is empty and waiting for ingredients."
Instead of cutting the potato:
if the potato is diced:
say "The potato is already diced.";
otherwise:
now the potato is diced;
say "You dice the potato into small chunks."
Instead of inserting the diced potato into the pot:
if the potato is whole:
say "You need to dice the potato first.";
otherwise:
move the potato to the pot;
now the pot is full;
say "You add the diced potato to the pot."
Instead of inserting the pitcher of water into the pot:
if the pitcher of water is part of the pot:
say "You already poured the water into the pot.";
otherwise:
move the pitcher of water to the pot;
now the pot is full;
say "You pour the water into the pot."
Instead of inserting the jar of salt into the pot:
if the jar of salt is part of the pot:
say "You have already added salt.";
otherwise:
move the jar of salt to the pot;
say "You sprinkle a pinch of salt into the pot."
Instead of inserting the jar of pepper into the pot:
if the jar of pepper is part of the pot:
say "You have already added pepper.";
otherwise:
move the jar of pepper to the pot;
say "You grind some black pepper into the pot."
Stirring is an action applying to one thing. Understand "stir [something]" as stirring.
Turning on is an action applying to one visible thing. Understand "turn on [something]" as turning on.
Check stirring:
if the noun is not the pot:
say "You can't stir that!" instead.
Carry out stirring:
say "You stir the ingredients together, mixing them well.";
Report stirring:
say "The pot looks well mixed now."
Instead of switching on the stove:
if all ingredients are in the pot:
move the soup to the pot;
say "You have made a potato in soup. Good job Rachel Ray, but this show is getting boring. Lets try something more... exciting";
now the player is in Channel 324;
otherwise:
say "You need to add and stir all the ingredients before heating the soup."
[Ogre Fight Code]
The ogre is a person in Channel 324. The defense-value of the ogre is 7. The health of the ogre is 80.
After attacking someone with:
if the ogre is in Channel 324:
ogre-counterattacks;
otherwise:
say "You beat the bitch.";
now the player is in Channel 146.
To ogre-counterattacks:
let ogre-attack-roll be a random number from 1 to 10;
if ogre-attack-roll > the defense-value of the player:
let ogre-damage be a random number from 8 to 15;
say "The ogre charges at you and deals [ogre-damage] damage!";
decrease the health of the player by ogre-damage;
if the health of the player is 0 or the health of the player is less than 0:
end the story saying "You have been defeated by the ogre!";
otherwise:
say "The ogre swings, but you dodge just in time!";
